Teaching Our Children Through Hurt Feelings

In my role as family pastor I frequently talk with parents who are concerned that their child is being treated unfairly at school, on a team, or even at church. Usually, the conversation revolves around the parent’s attempts or desire to “fix” the situation and force the teacher, coach or leader to be “fair.” Honestly, as a parent I can sympathize. It is tremendously painful to see our kids deal with hurt feelings and it can break our hearts to see them faced with the harsh realities of real life. I have seen my own child hurt because another parent pulled strings to get something for their child that mine was told was unavailable. I have seen the pain and confusion in my child’s eyes when he discovered he was excluded from an event his friends were a part of. And in those situations and many others I have faced the same temptation to protest the unfairness and step in and “fix” it.

However, I am convinced that we do our children a terrible disservice when we do choose to step in and manipulate people and circumstances for their benefit. I am not suggesting we should not protect our kids from physical harm and do all that we can to ensure their safety, but I am suggesting that there are worse things than hurt feelings. As parents, we are given the responsibility to shape the heart of our children toward God and teach them what it means to be a follower of Jesus. We must prepare them to live real life in a manner that is pleasing to God. That means both introducing them to some of the realities of real life and teaching them how a follower of Jesus should respond. If we “fix” every situation we deem unfair, we train our kids to believe that this is the reality they should expect in life. They begin to believe that they can only function properly if everything is stacked in their favor. Perhaps even worse, by always protecting our kids from all potential for hurt feelings and painful or uncomfortable social situations we miss out on an incredible opportunity to train our kids in one of the most difficult aspects of real life – responding properly when you are wronged.

Let’s face it; even as adults this is one of the most difficult things we ever do. Most of us can handle doing the right thing when life is going our way. However, it is when we are wronged, mistreated, or slighted that we struggle to act as Jesus would. This is something we must all work at! Because of that fact, I want to challenge you parent to parent to consider embracing your child’s difficult social situations rather than fighting them. Instead, use the opportunity to teach them some valuable lessons like:

  • Life isn’t fair. I know it’s cliché. I know it’s very grumpy old man of me. But it is true. Most of the time, life is not going to be concerned with treating you fairly. Can your child handle that? They will need to in order to succeed in life.
  • Consider another perspective. Oftentimes I feel hurt even though it was not someone else’s intention to hurt or offend. Teach your child to consider a perspective other than their own when they feel they are being treated unfairly.
  • Turn to Jesus. This is not meant to be a trite, churchy answer. This is an invaluable lesson we must all learn and should certainly teach our children. When you experience, pain, suffering, or mistreatment of any kind you should always turn to Jesus for comfort. Go to him in prayer. Seek comfort in His Word. Teach your children to lean on Jesus rather than to depend on retaliation or any resolution for our well-being.
  • Respond with kindness. Retaliating to unkindness just make things worse. We should teach our children to respond with kindness, especially to minor offenses and slights. The Bible even says to respond to evil with blessing (1 Peter 3:9).
  • Be humble. When my child is mistreated, I can use that to remind them of the pain we sometimes cause others and help them consider the grace and forgiveness they want to receive when they are the offender.
  • Calmly confront. Many people grow to adulthood without ever learning the important art of biblical confrontation. Teach your child how to respectfully and peacefully confront an offender. This will take him or her far in life.
  • Show God’s love. The Bible constantly urges us to show love in all situations and relationships, including everyone from your neighbor to your enemy (Luke 6:27-31; Gal 5:14). We must teach our children that the responsibility for showing God’s love does not end just because we are treated unfairly.

This is not in any way an exhaustive list of what can be learned from difficult or unfair situations, but I hope that it challenges you to consider the tremendous benefits of allowing children to face some of the natural discomfort and unfairness of life rather than always swooping in to protect them from reality. I hope you will consider that since reacting to mistreatment from others is so difficult for us as adults, we certainly can’t expect our children to magically figure it out once they are grown. They need practice now, even though that practice may mean some hurt feelings in the short term.

So, next time your child comes to you with an interpersonal or social problem, pause before you give in to the impulse to “fix” it for them. Perhaps instead you could take advantage of the opportunity to simply comfort, pray and teach. It might be hard at first, but the reward in terms of life-lessons learned and Christ-like character is well worth it!


photo Unfair CC BY-SA 3.0 Nick Youngson


Real Life Parenting

Not long ago, I was lamenting to my wife about one of my children. As I passionately articulated my frustration with some particularly annoying behaviors she began to smile. Then she laughed and said, “You do know who that sounds exactly like, don’t you?” I somehow got the impression she didn’t mean her.

Unfortunately, I am all too often faced with the reality that my children generally reflect my behavior rather than my oh-so-wise parental instruction. Obviously this challenges me to make sure that even at home my behavior is consistent with what I would like to see in my children and, more importantly, with what is befitting a follower of Jesus. It also challenges me to find better ways to combine the teaching of biblical truth with real life in a way that impacts my kids and affects their behavior. As counter intuitive as it may sound, I believe that to genuinely impact our children’s behavior we have to actually focus less on their behavior and more on their heart.

Consider the words of Deuteronomy 6:7-9. “You shall teach [God’s commands] diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” These verses convey two eye-opening principles. First, my goal as a parent should be to shape the heart of my child toward God. If this is my goal, the primary focus of my parental instruction is biblical truth about God and His Word rather than behavior modification. Secondly, These verses tell me that the context of my parental teaching is not primarily church, special “family devotion” times, or fatherly lectures – it is real life. Whatever my family and I find ourselves doing together provides a platform for shaping the heart of my children toward God.

Not surprisingly, this is the approach that Jesus took with his disciples – and what is parenting if not intense discipleship! A quick perusal of the gospels shows that Jesus trained these undisciplined, uneducated men into the foundation of the Christian church by simply spending intentional time with them. They took road trips together; went to dinner and parties together. They ministered and served together. They visited sick people and went to funerals. They managed finances, went grocery shopping, and harvested crops. They went fishing, they told stories, they hung out around campfires and even went to church. In short, Jesus shaped the heart of his disciples toward God through real life personal interaction. As simple as it may seem, this is still the best way to shape the heart of a disciple (or child) toward God. Notice that there are two essential elements to this approach: intention and time.

We have to spend time with our kids doing the kinds of things they do on a regular basis. It isn’t a waste of time to play, color, read, take walks, and have meals with our kids. Additionally, we also have to find ways to include them in the things we do. Let them help you with chores, take them to work, serve together as a family. Of course it’s easier to do these adult things without kids, but when possible we should include our kids.

As we spend time with our kids, though, we must sure to be intentional about using these experiences to connect our kids and their lives to God. You don’t have to preach. Just use casual comments. Isn’t it cool that God made us with the ability to play? Didn’t God give me a neat job? God sure is amazing/powerful/wonderful/etc. Or you can pray together. Ask spiritually minded questions. You will need to find what works for you, but just be intentional about connecting real life to God’s truth.

A discipleship approach to parenting will take some thought because most of us are used to reacting to bad behavior rather than focusing on proactively shaping our child’s heart toward God. I know from experience that it is tempting to chase down every bad behavior and counter it with teaching about why it’s bad, but I also know from experience that this is generally futile. Instead, we must commit ourselves to a lifestyle of intentional discipleship. It will likely prove to be long, hard, tiring, and inconvenient at times; but it will also prove worth it!

Choose What Matters

As a parent and as a pastor, I frequently find myself in discussions about the busyness of life – when my wife and I try to pick a date to have friends over and can’t find an opening for weeks; when counseling appointments are continuously moved; when meetings have to be rescheduled; when church programs seem to be competing with sports and entertainment. Over and over again, the conclusion is reached: “man, life is just busy.”

When life is this busy, we are faced with an almost constant need to make choices as to how we will spend the little time we have. How will we fill our day? What will we do with our “free time”? What activities will the kids participate in? Which invitations should we accept? What obligations will we take on? These are legitimate and realistic questions that I would estimate each of us face on a very regular basis – more than likely multiple times a day.

The temptation is to simply field each of these questions as they come. Here I decide to do what is easiest and there I decide to do what feels good. Convenience, feelings, urgency, preference – each becomes a standard of decision making in the busy family. While it may feel like it cannot be helped, I think this style of decision making can lead to inconsistency, frustration and even the promotion of values that are not our own. What we need is one standard for decision making that always trumps all other standards.

Fortunately, God has given us the standard in His Word in Matthew 6:20. Jesus says, “… store up for yourselves treasures in heaven…” We often think of this verse in relation to money, but I would suggest that the point of this verse is of larger scope than that. Far from merely being instruction on how to spend money, Jesus’ words were an admonition to make the kingdom a priority in your life. Later in the same chapter he supports this understanding by admonishing his followers to “… seek first the kingdom of God.” What does all of this have to do with making decisions amidst the busyness of life? Everything! Our quest for a singular standard against which to weigh all of our decisions ends here at this verse. When we are sorting through all of the options for our time and energy and even finances, we must choose the things that matter for the kingdom – for eternity.

It may seem innocent enough to skip church to play sports or to go to a movie rather than serving in a ministry. Perhaps it isn’t wrong to chill out and watch tv rather than put the effort into conversation and family devotions. And that is exactly the point! So many of the decisions we face are not necessarily between right and wrong, but between things that matter and things that don’t. I challenge you today to choose the things that matter. As you parent your children and lead your family, consider the lesson you are teaching with every decision you make. Consider the values you are instilling and the priorities you are strengthening. Toward those considerations, here are some choices you should make to ensure you are choosing the things that matter.

  • Choose important over urgent. One of the most common barriers to making decisions that matter for eternity is the myriad urgent matters that materialize over the course of a day. Urgent and important aren’t the same thing, yet urgent generally trumps important for most of us. Especially in a family, there seems to always be something that has to be done “right now.” Take the time to step back and ask the question “Is all of this urgent stuff demanding my attention actually important?” Important tasks contribute to long term mission and goals, so make sure that what you are spending time on is something you would consider important to your family health and priorities.
  • Choose productivity over entertainment. One of the constant complaints in my house is that “this isn’t fun.” This always leads to the never-too-soon-to-be-learned life lesson that “life’s not all about fun.” Unfortunately, this expectation is not restricted to children only. Our society seems addicted to entertainment. Though I am certainly not anti-fun, we should be cautious about over prioritizing it. I believe that the majority of what we do should have some productive value. It should contribute to our overall life priority of pleasing and following God. This does not eliminate fun, it merely requires that we think more strategically about the kind of fun we have. It’s tempting to sign our kids up for every sport, camp and activity that they might enjoy, but enjoyment doesn’t make something necessary or even beneficial. Again, each of these decisions must go back to your over all priority to put the kingdom of God first. We must consider what value all of this endless entertainment truly has for the follower of Jesus. I am not at all saying that all entertainment is wrong, but I think we should choose productivity over empty entertainment and choose entertainment that adds value to our families.
  • Choose relationships over amusement. Though very similar to the previous point, this choice is primarily regarding wasted time. We spend countless hours watching tv, scrolling through Facebook, playing video games, and wasting time in a wide variety of ways. I challenge you to choose to spend your time building relationships rather than merely amusing yourself. I know that we greatly value our downtime, but I would challenge you to limit this wasted time so that you can intentionally invest in relationships within your family. Ask questions, read and study the Bible together, enjoy each other’s company. I certainly can relate to the desire to “just relax,” but we should make the choice to prioritize activities that build and strengthen relationships.
  • Choose service over selfishness. Our children are growing up in a culture that is increasingly self-centered. Despite our desire that our children not be selfish, we regularly make decisions that instill in them the belief that the world revolves around them. We give them everything they ask for, shower them with toys and treats, drive them from practice to game to class without regard for the impact on the family, provide endless entertainment with little responsibility and spare them the consequences of bad decisions. We must stop choosing to conduct our families in a way that promotes selfishness. Instead, choose to model, promote and prioritize service. Choose to deliberately allow your children to sacrifice for the well-being of others. Choose to serve together as a family. Choose to prioritize serving in church and the community. Consider the lessons you are teaching when you insist your child make their soccer game, but skip your turn to serve in your church ministry. If you want to make choices that matter for God’s Kingdom, start by choosing service over selfishness.
  • Choose character over convenience. With the busyness of life and the hectic pace that many of us face, it is quite easy to make decisions based merely on convenience. While there are certainly times that convenience is an appropriate standard for decision making, it cannot become our primary method. We cannot expect to always take the easy way through life and arrive at God’s intended destination for us. It might be easier to give in to the demands of our children, or to let them do whatever they want; it is often easier to do things for our children rather than have them do for themselves. It might be easiest to park them in front of tv or video games to keep them occupied. It may be easiest to stay home from church to sleep or study. Unfortunately, easy is not always best and it is through intentionally choosing to do what is difficult that we can actually choose to develop character. As you sort out your life and schedule, I encourage you to evaluate whether or not you are simply choosing convenience. You might be doing so at the expense of character development.
  • Choose eternal over material. In the interest of choosing things that matter for the Kingdom, you will of necessity need to reject the countless opportunities to make material things the priority in your life. Even for professing followers of Jesus, material possessions are often a never-ending pursuit. It is hard to defend the claim that God’s interests are our greatest priority when we make decisions based solely on accumulating finances and possessions. Consider what values you are teaching when you choose to buy that new car or boat; when you have to have the newest and nicest of everything. I urge you to make choices to live on less; to avoid excess and extravagance. Choose to live and give sacrificially. Deliberately choose to go without certain conveniences for the sake of being able to be generous to others. You should look for ways to invest in the kingdom even if it seems to negatively affect your own wallet. Jesus’ followers must intentionally and passionately pursue eternal interests rather than material ones.


All of these choices can really be summed up in one ultimate choice we must make: choose God over everything else. As a believer, it is your responsibility to raise your children to love and serve God. I believe that most Christian parents want this for their kids, yet regularly make decisions that instill and encourage values contrary to this end.  I urge you right now to evaluate your busy schedule against the standard Jesus set for us and choose the things that matter!


Photo by Jagbirlehl (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

A Change of Heart

I recently heard a godly, well-meaning older gentleman tell a young father that raising kids was just like training dogs. He explained that you just need to develop a routine of simple, specific commands that you repeat regularly and you can train them to respond on command. While most people don’t state it in that fashion, this advice reflects a behavior based understanding of parenting that is extremely common – even within the church. As parents, it is incredibly easy to make our children’s behavior the focus of our parenting. Raising “good” kids that behave “properly” is the assumed end game for many parents. While there is nothing wrong with desiring and working toward good behavior in your children, this should not be the goal you are working toward as a parent.

The responsibility of a Christian parent, the very heart and soul of all we do, is to shape our children’s heart toward God so that they will have a thriving personal relationship with him. In a word, it is “discipleship.” The focus of our parenting should be discipling little followers of Jesus so that one day they become grownups that genuinely and faithfully follow Jesus.

It should be overwhelmingly obvious that the task of discipling a child – shaping their heart toward God – has to be all about the condition of their heart. Unfortunately, this is something that many Christians miss in their personal walk with God as well as in their parenting. We are always trying to make the Christian life about performance, rather than about identity in Christ and personal relationship with the Father. God himself spoke of this problem, condemning his own people because they “…come near to me with their mouths and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught (Isaiah 29:13) .” In this instance, the problem wasn’t their behavior – it was their heart. They said the right things and did the right things, but it was merely outward conformity to a bunch of rules.

Tragically, this outward conformity to religious standards that God hates and condemns is precisely what many parents are encouraging through parenting that focuses on behavior modification. Yes, you can train your child like a dog to follow your rules and do what you want them to do, but without a heart that is chasing after God they are no better off simply because they’ve followed the rules. Instead of always focusing on changing and curbing bad behavior, we must use bad behavior as an opportunity to look into our child’s sinful heart and shape it toward God.

The shortest answer as to how to do this is simply to give them the gospel.  We must give our children the gospel faithfully, constantly and relentlessly because a man-made training program of rules and commands might change behavior, but only the gospel can change a heart. When sinful behavior presents, take a step back and remember your goal. It is not conformity; it is genuine heart change. So you need to take the time to understand why they misbehaved. You need to empathize by sharing your own struggle with sin and then explain that this is a universal problem for all of humankind. Give correction and help them understand why consequences are good and necessary. Also, make sure to share the good news that God offers forgiveness and He offers to help us have victory over sin. Over all, you should place drastically more emphasis on God’s goodness than on your child’s badness.

Of course all of that takes time – much more time than a harsh word of reproach and a swift punishment. And the results take more time to. You may not get immediate conformity, but that’s ok because the goal is not to shame them into conformity but to drive them toward God’s heart. Make this the central focus of all you do as a parent. I urge you to make your child’s relationship with God more important than their behavior. Work toward shaping their heart toward God more than you work at changing their actions. Make discipleship your aim because if good behavior is your goal, you may one day reach the finish line and find you have run the wrong race and lost your children in the process.

Game 7 by My Numbers


Even the most disinterested of individuals is probably aware by now of some of the numbers involved in last night’s World Series Game 7. Numbers like 108 years since the Cubs last won the World Series or 174 years combined since either team had won it all. 37 years since a team had come back from a 3-1 series deficit to win. First ever leadoff homerun in a World Series game 7. 2 curses that Theo Epstein has erased. It truly was a terrific game and all the talk of numbers made me think of the numbers involved in my own personal World Series experience. So here is game 7 of the 2016 World Series by my numbers:

0 – Baseball games prior to game 7 I had watched in their entirety this season. Also, the number of times any of my children had ever shown any interest in watching a baseball game with me.

3 – The generations watching the game together around my little laptop at the kitchen table. It was fun having my Dad here for the experience.

1 – Of my children who stayed up until 1:00am watching baseball. What an awesome experience for me and my 9 year old! (Also the number of children who whined incessantly until almost the same hour because she couldn’t stay up with her brother. Also the number of children who could care less that baseball or any sport was being played and just wanted to read his book.)

4 – Innings gone by when I chose to tell my son about the curse of the billy goat. With the Cubs up 3-1 it seemed as if they had a reasonable shot at breaking that curse and I wanted him to understand the enormity of what was about to happen.

2 – The number of times I told my son during the 5th inning that he would probably have to go to bed when it was over.

5.5 – Innings passed when my son decided he felt sorry for the Indians who were down 5-1 and wanted them to win.

2 – The number of runs the Indians scored in the bottom of the 5th that had my son mocking me with goat noises.

4ish – How many times I changed my mind about sending my son to bed before the game was over.

17 (give or take) – Warnings to my son that he had better be on his best behavior the next day or he and I would both be in big trouble for him staying up so late.

3 – The number of times that I have since explained to my wife the value of a 9 year old staying up all night to make once-in-a-lifetime memories with his dad and grandpa.

1 – Great big hug I received from my son along with expressions of gratitude for letting him stay up.

0 – Regrets for the late night of baseball watching with my family.

Though I watch far less sports than I used to and have hopefully matured a bit in the way I prioritize them, I still think that moments like last night can provide a unique opportunity to bond. As parents we have a massive responsibility in the raising of our children and if we aren’t careful we can become so focused on the seriousness of this responsibility that we miss out on moments to simply enjoy our kids and let them enjoy us. We should make sure to make time for constructive and meaningful fun together with our children. These opportunities can provide a foundation upon which future opportunities for instruction and character development can be built. If you don’t believe me, just consider the numbers!

Your Kids Are Watching

ruber ducky

Recently at a carnival style event at our church, my 7 year old son came running up to me with a prize he had won. He held up this little rubber ducky and said, “Look Dad, your worst enemy – a bath toy!” We laughed together over the silliness of a rubber ducky being my worst enemy, but the reality is that I’m really not a fan of bath toys. I think they’re unsanitary; not to mention they delay the bathing process that as a parent I just want them to finish with as quickly as possible. However, it isn’t actually my dislike for bath toys (as real as it may be) that is of interest in all of this. What I find fascinating is my son’s ability to conclude that bath toys are my worst enemy.

I’ve never set my children down and proclaimed the evils of bath toys or placed them on a list of sins to be avoided. I’ve never forbidden them or said that they were bad. And obviously I’ve never actually declared rubber duckies and the like to be my worst enemy. What I have done is complain about them, refuse to purchase them, make the kids wait until “next time” to play with them, and maybe on occasion throw them away. This behavior toward the toys led my son to conclude they were my enemy. While funny and totally harmless, this incident made me consider just how vital our every-day (every-moment for that matter) behavior is to the raising of our children.

There are virtues and behaviors that I instruct my children in on a regular basis with somewhat questionable results. I can lecture, talk, teach, preach, beg and plead but they can still forget what it was I wanted them to do or how I wanted them to behave. Yet, without any formal instruction on the matter, my son can conclude that I hate bath toys. The fact of the matter is that the behaviors I most often see in them are not the ones I teach them about, but the ones they see in me.

As a parent it is absolutely critical that you realize your most important and effective teaching tool is your own behavior. You can tell your kids about honesty, integrity, self-control, selflessness, kindness, respect, self-control, service, loyalty and other biblical virtues – and you should. But that teaching is only going to be a fraction as influential as your own behavior. You must consider what you are actually teaching and be intentional about your behavior. In our daily lives we must model honesty, integrity, self-control, selflessness, kindness, respect, self-control, service, loyalty and other biblical virtues if we want them to take root in our children’s lives.

Additionally, we must remember that they are always watching! In a moment of frustration or anger or stress we can unravel all of our intentional teaching behaviors with one thoughtless act. And for some reason that is still beyond me, those are the moments that never seem to slip past them. I don’t know why, but it always seems to happen that way. They seem oblivious to the times when you work hard, control yourself, use kindness or show love; but shout “You idiot!” at one driver that cuts you off and you will hear “You idiot” screamed for the next week every time someone is upset.

Children must come with a built in radar for the moments we least want them to see or hear and they are always there. Always listening and always watching. This can be terrifying, but we must use that fear to cause us to be even more intentional about modeling Christ-like behavior to our children. This includes modeling forgiveness. As we try to model the behavior we want them to learn, we will certainly mess up. We will sin and we will lose control. Though unfortunate, these moments also provide an opportunity to model good behavior. We want minimize the bad behaviors we model and we want to be intentional about good behaviors, but one of the most important things we can do for our children is to teach them that the journey of faith is an imperfect one and God is always waiting to forgive. Model repentance in front of your children. They see your mistakes, so let them also see the humility and brokenness that they need to learn for themselves.

For good or bad, they see you. For good or bad, your behavior as the parent is the most influential teaching tool you will ever have. This journey we call parenting is difficult enough on its own; don’t make it harder with careless actions and behaviors. As you look toward the people you want your children to become, begin by being that sort of person yourself. And remember – they’re always watching!

Protecting Our Children


I recently wrote about the dangers of a casual attitude toward sin. In that post, I also spoke of the need for parents to guard their children from sin instead of placing them in harm’s way. As I thought more about this important topic, I felt it might be helpful to delve into it a little more by describing some of the ways we might be putting our kids in a position to sin.

I don’t mean to imply that we are trying to tempt them nor am I saying they are relieved of responsibility. I simply believe that sin is a powerful and appealing force on a child and as parents we can create an environment that makes it either easier or more difficult to fall prey to that force. Though I think it is usually unintentional, we often place our children in harm’s way. In no particular order, here are some area in which parents are failing to create the safest possible spiritual environment for their kids.

  • Entertainment – A great deal of the entertainment we expose our children to promotes values that are contrary to God’s Word. We expose them to bad language, sensual behavior, materialism, rotten attitudes, disrespect and selfishness (to name a few) all in the name of entertainment. And that’s just the material targeted to children. They also see and hear so much more of our grown up content than we realize. Just to be clear – I’m speaking of entertainment that would generally be considered safe for kids. Don’t let down your guard just because a show, song or website is marketed to kids. Pray for wisdom and practice discernment.
  • Conversation – With children of all ages, we must be careful of how we speak in front of them. There is the danger of talking about issues or topics that are just above their level of maturity or providing information they shouldn’t have. With careless conversation, we can provide unnecessary exposure to a wide array of temptations like gossip, anger, bitterness, covetousness, etc. When we speak within ear-shot of our children we had better consider what thoughts our words might place in their minds.
  • Busyness – Without thinking about the consequences and for often the best of reasons, we overcrowd our children’s lives to the point that they simply are not capable of responding in a proper manner. We demand good grades, good behavior and good attitudes all the while filling their lives with practices, rehearsals and extra-curricular activities. In addition to placing them in circumstances in which it is difficult for them to act righteously, we are also modeling a value system in which God takes a back seat.
  • Priorities – Though most Christian parents tell their kids that God comes first, we actually model worldly priorities. Though there are many ways in which we do this, I’m especially concerned about the current trend of prioritizing just about everything above church. I question the wisdom of a parent that keeps their child home from church for homework or lets them skip church to play a sport. Even consistently skipping church for work sends the message that work trumps God. We must prioritize God’s kingdom above everything – including entertainment, work, social activities and even education.
  • Confession – actually, the lack thereof. We create a whole host of temptations for our children when we sin and do not admit it. Being a godly, Christian parent is not about always getting it right. It’s about pursuing Christ in every area-including parenting. When you fail, don’t rationalize it or make excuses or stubbornly deny it. Instead, confess to your child that you, too, are a sinner who needs God’s grace and mercy. Confessing, asking forgiveness and planning how you will behave differently in the future creates a spiritually wholesome and safe environment. When we don’t, we set our children up for failure in dealing with their own sin as well as create an environment where resentment and anger easily grow.
  • Unrealistic expectations – In Colossians 3:21, Paul instructed parents not to provoke or exasperate their children. One of the most common ways of doing this is to pile impossible expectations on them. I’m not talking about expecting them not to sin. I’m talking about placing behavioral demands on them that are merely based in our own preference. Demanding certain grades regardless of circumstances, expecting young children to be quiet or still for long periods of time or requiring adult-like emotional responses out of children. Especially with young children, we can create unrealistic expectations by putting them in difficult situations and expecting them to not be affected. Pain, sadness, exhaustion, grief, confusion and many other external conditions can all affect behavior. We must realize this and be prepared to teach them how to cope.

Almost every parent claims to love their child and would probably face harm themselves in order to physically protect their child, yet many Christian parents consistently place their children in spiritually dangerous situations. Too often we create circumstances in which it is almost impossible for them to do anything other than sin. While we cannot excuse nor prevent sinful behavior, we do have an obligation to place our children in an environment that will nurture their spirituality, growth and holiness.

Please understand that I am not promoting legalism nor am I trying to judge anyone’s parenting practices. I merely hope to challenge Christian parents to evaluate their own actions in regard to how they may be negatively affecting their children. Let’s seek God’s wisdom as we undertake the huge responsibility of raising the children He has gifted us with.

Sunday Supper September 20, 2015

 In a feature reminiscent of my childhood in which Sunday supper consisted of a smorgasbord of leftovers and a random assortment of other foods, I bring you an assortment of random items of interest from the past week.


“The point is, love is a verb, sure. But it’s an impossible verb. It’s the kind of verb that pulls us out of our Western enlightenment secularistic bubbles into the country of the supernatural.” – Love Is Not a Verb


10 Things You Can’t Expect from Church Volunteers provides some helpful insight to the challenge of volunteerism.


5 Ways to Talk to Your Children About Death offers some helpful thoughts on discussing death with children.


For fear of being legalistic, we can rob ourselves of the benefits of a regular pattern (or “spiritual disciplines”) of walking with God. Is this biblical or beneficial? Not at all! – Don’t Lose Spiritual Disciplines for Fear of Legalism


Your Child Is Your Neighbor presents a case for the practical application of biblical “people” principles to parenting.


Here are some great lessons about legalistic churches, as a former member shares “5 Things I Learned in an Unhealthy Church.”


5 Pastoral Pet Peeves is funny and helpful.


Enjoy this random collection of stuff and be sure to let me know what you’ve been reading or watching that is interesting, enjoyable or helpful.

Sunday Supper August 9, 2015

 In a feature reminiscent of my childhood in which Sunday supper consisted of a smorgasbord of leftovers and a random assortment of other foods, I bring you an assortment of random items of interest from the past week.

What Should We Do When They Stray? – some pastoral thoughts on dealing with a rebellious child.

“God wants us to know that waiting is far from a passive activity in which we do nothing. In fact, Scripture teaches us that God wants us to actively participate in the work he desires to accomplish. Waiting strategically can cultivate good fruit in in our lives such as patience, perseverance, and endurance. It also draws us closer to our Savior and points those who are watching us to the gospel.” – What to Do While You’re Waiting on God

15 Wisdom Principles on Deciding When to Stop Having Children – This articles does not try to give an answer to the question of how many children a family should have. Instead, the author encourages readers to be sure they have a biblical decision making process in place.

In Zimbabwe, We Don’t Cry for Lions. Here’s a calm and well-informed voice in regard to the Zimbabwe Lion controversy.

Video Killed the Pulpit Star. Interesting perspective on the multi-site church phenomenon. Well written, even if I don’t agree with all of the conclusions of the author.

Repentance is a foundational element of the Christian life. However, repentance must be sincere and Jim Elliff offers insight on How to Repent Without Really Repenting.

Enjoy this random collection of stuff and be sure to let me know what you’ve been reading or watching that is interesting, enjoyable or helpful.

Honoring Mom

Recently we were having a family discussion about spending some money to do something nice for “Mom” for Mother’s Day. I was encouraging this and the kids seemed excited – until, that is, one of them decided we should scratch the idea and spend the money on the kids. My explanation that this wasn’t going to happen was met with the following angry accusation: “Mom gets everything she wants, because of you!”

Though I’m sure my wife would argue as to the truth of that statement, I took it as a great compliment. My wife doesn’t ask for much and I certainly don’t do an adequate job of giving her all that she needs, but I’m glad that my children recognize that I honor their mother and make her a priority in my life. I think this is essential for developing within them the kind of honor and respect they must have for their mother and in turn for women in general.

In a culture that is increasingly disrespectful of women it is vital that godly men not only harbor feelings of honor and respect toward our wives and mothers, but that we express it and demonstrate it in front of our children. We cannot expect that they will do or feel what they have never seen. It must be modeled, encouraged and cultivated.

There are many ways to do this, but one way that works particularly well for my young children is to simply tell them stories. They love a good story and stories make for great opportunities to have some fun, inform them of their history and also give honor to those to whom it is due.

I tell them stories of my mom (their Grammy) who loved us fiercely, but wasn’t afraid to grab us by the ear if we got out of hand. I tell them how she taught us God’s Word, but also modeled an authentic and vulnerable relationship with the Lord. They’ve heard stories of how she has protected us from danger, and also that she always made our stomach flutter when she drove over the railroad tracks. Most of all, they hear that their Dad loves his Mom and they believe that is the way it ought to be.

In addition, I try to regularly make them aware of the story playing out in front of them every day. I point out the sacrifices their mom makes for them and for me. We talk about her hard work, her love, her care and attention. I encourage them to express gratitude for her selfless service. Though never as often as she deserves, I praise her in front of them for being a wonderful wife and mother. They know that Dad is flawed, but they also know he loves their Mom and believe that’s the way it ought to be.

My desire for my children is that they appreciate their mother and recognize that I love her and appreciate her too. I want my sons to grow up with a clear and biblical picture of how to treat a lady and I want my daughters to understand how they should be treated by men. The best hope of this desire coming true is if I take the time and make the effort to model this myself – even if I risk them thinking that I give Mom anything she wants.